"The Mind of Man" - John DeVore

1. I think I’m awesome, but seriously, why do you think I’m awesome?

2. I can speak dolphin. Which is how I help them.

3. I don’t have a driver’s license and I don’t know how to drive a car. But I know how to drive the ladies wild and I have a license to freak, freak you sweet and spicy, freak you like a jungle cat made out of lava.

4. I write poetry. Here’s a sample, “She walks in beauty, like the night/Of cloudless climes and starry skies/And all that’s best of dark and bright/Meets in her aspect and her eyes.” I just made that up, right now, on the spot.

5. Yes I can, did, will, etc.

6. I have flaws: I love too much, dream too big, rock too hard. Not to mention give too much, take too little, heal too many. Guilty as charged, I accept this superhuman burden.

7. I’m a Texan, which means I’m the American equivalent of a Viking. This means I’m strong, complete with glazed ham sized-muscles, and a pair of abs, and, like, all that jazz. I’m also half-Mexican, which means I’m full of the Latin fire. The other half is standard issue redneck, which means I like grits, bacon and Cheez Whiz.

8. I have written for and edited major men’s interest magazines and was actually nominated for a Pulitzer Prize for the article “Bikini Wax or Whack?” I thanked my mom when I won, because women like men who are close with their mom, but not THAT close. But close. Shhh. Mommy’s calling.

9. It’s not easy being beautiful. True story.

10. Every single of my 507 friends on Facebook are my totes BFFS 4eva. Fer reelz.

11. I have made passionate love to 1,270 women. In my mind. I call it the “Jedi Bang.”

12. I can make a woman orgasm just by whispering “John DeVore says it’s time for your cookie. Do what John DeVore says.” The resulting orgasm makes the angels lament their lack of mortal genitals.

13. I’m very good at listening, especially if you’re talking about the following: Xbox, me, anal, me. Besides that, I am very good at all the hallmarks of resembling listening, from the furrowed brow, to the lip bite, to the sensitive slow nod.

14. I do not sweat. Instead, my glands secrete a mild fragrance that resembles warm pancakes and springtime rain.

15. I have had my heart broken. But with time, I learned how to forgive the miserable bitch. Ha, ha. I’m kidding. E-mail me?

16. I am not afraid to cry. If you punch me in the man boobs and kick me in the coin purse.

17. My instant message name is totally not “Optimus Gandalf,” no matter what “Pegasus Unicorn” says on that message board. Also: I never really spent time in prison. It was a jail, and it was just a night or three.

18. My favorite color is your skin. Unless you have a disfiguring skin disease. Then my favorite color is your great personality.

19. If I were on the periodic table, I’d be one of the elements of style.

20. I don’t “booty call.” Lightening will strike outside your window, and the thunder will tenderly bellow, “He is on his way.”

21. Humility is my greatest virtue. Also, my penis is so huge, it has its own moon.

22. I am a great fan of the literary greats. Nabokov, Murakami, DeVore.

23. Favorite word: John DeVore.

24. Money isn’t important to me, if I have lots and lots of it. It’s expensive to have to split the bill all the time.

25. I lied about my greatest virtue. It’s being honest with myself, with my Facebook friends, and my ho’s. I am not a man who is afraid to look deep within and high-five himself.

** I didn't write this but I think it's great. Kind of reminds me of my brother a bit."