Sunday, September 14, 2008

The Gay Heirarchy

I posted this a while ago on another blog. I figure my new readers should be able to enjoy. 

The Gay Hierarchy :  A case study by Michael Derouin

**In the meaning of gay hierarchy, this is towards gay men. Lesbians have their own rules, regulation and bi-laws governing their collective.**

In my seven years as a gay man, I’ve come to notice something. There is a heirarchy in the gay community.  This heirarchy is a ladder system and it contains many levels.

The bottom level of the “ladder” contains undesirables.  

  • The “undesirable” gay man contains many different categories. Gay men over 60, overwieght men, very ugly men, men who aren’t kept nice (I.E. Bad hair cut or wearing clothes that don’t fit them). Usual Drink: Whiskey Sour

The next level in the ladder is the “Newbie” catagory.

  • “Newbie” is a term for men who are reasonably young that have just come out of the closet. They are reasonably eager to please and usually going through their slut phase. The slut phase usually lasts about 6 months; The newbie will usually sleep with anyone who shows them any affection or buys them a drink, when the newbie is under drinking age. *Note: Newbies have a tendancy of having their heart broken after the six month phase because most of the time in the gay community Sex=Love. Usual Drink: Anything their sex partner for the night will buy them.

The next level on the ladder is the boy next door.

  • The boy next door is usually moderately good looking, normal body (not overly muscular) and can come in handy when you need help doing something. Usually carrying groceries or mixing cement.     Usual Drink: Diet Cola w/ Lime

The next level is the Flamboyant Gay Male.

  • The Flamboyant Gay Male is higher on the ladder because they are higher in numbers. The usual signs of the this type of gay man is usually a high pitched voice, tighter than normal pants, persistent finger snapping, repetitive use of the phrase “Bitch, please” or calling anyone no matter what their gender “Girl”. They tend to be more feminine than most women.  Usual Drink: Cosmopolitan

The following level is that of the Hot Jocks.

  • Hot jocks tend to wear their school colors or their favorite teams colors. They also, depending on the sport they play wear a baseball hat with their favorite team’s mascot on it. They don’t like to dance and usually only drink beer because they’ve grown accustomed to beer because of beer busts at college frat parties. Most like to think they are tops (The givers in the sexual relations.) but that’s usually their macho ego’s getting in the way. 9/10 times they are usually a big bossy bottom (The receiver in the sexual relationship). Usual Drink: Miller Lite or Bud Lite

The next rung in the dysfunctional gay ladder is the twink.

  • By definition a twink is a gay man who is usually thin and hairless. They have no real concept of dieting and/or exercise because they’ve always been thin. They tend to be in high demand in some cultures. They are usually wanted by other twinks or older men who are willing to pay for their services. They tend to listen to infectious pop like Britney Spears, Cascada or Justin Timberlake.        Usual Drink: Sex on the Beach  

The next to last rung in the ladder is the club/dancing queen.

  • Usually if these gays go to a club they will be dancing the entire night. They don’t go to cruise (checking out guys) or to drink a lot of liquor. They are the ones if they are on a water break and Kelly Clarkson’s “Since you been gone” comes on they will run over anyone in the way to get to the floor before the first bit of lyrics comes on so they can act out the lyrics with their god awful dancing. They are also usually thin, they are dancing 5 out of 7 days of the week.  Usual Drink: Bottled Water

The final and highest position of the Gay Hierarchy, is the Power Queer.

  • Power Queers tend to know every bouncer at the top clubs so they usually skip the lines and usually don’t pay any cover because they are always on the guest list. They also know (or have blown) every bartender in the joint so they usually get free drinks. They can fuck who they like. They can make fun of who they like. They also have the “designated dance area” ( which is usually the most well lit area or the highest part of the room; if it has a raised dance floor.)Usual Drink: Martini, Flavored Vodka and Cranberry or Pineapple juice.

There are separate parts of the Hierarchy which are their own collective state.

Fag Hags:

  • Fag Hags are the gay man’s best friend. They are the only women allowed into the hierarchy. It’s a usual ratio if you are going out to have one gay man to every two fag hags. They are the support and conscience for the normal gay man. They have a tendancy to fall in love with their designated homosexual. These women usually went to the prom with said homosexual. More than likely, they were the first girlfriend to said Homosexual. Therefore they have a whole different connection between each other.


  • If the male in the relationship who was dumped is in a lower class than the upper level partner, the laws and rules that covered the lower level partner are null and void. They are to return to their original class and they aren’t allowed to speak to the upper level partner. Only if a conversation is struck by the upper level may the lower level speak to him.

This has been an independant study and is not intended to offend anyone. If it does offend you, then you should really stop takin’ yourself so seriously.


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